CAPTAIN's REPORT

The first event has come and gone and once again it is the Anglo's with a decisive early lead...

The 2003 Winners: Daffyd, Taz, Dude and Muz

Jocks... Dennis, Grumpy Twat , Cheating C*NT and DJ

The ACTUAL Captains report.... guess which one...

They came, they drank, they conquered.

Yet again a raiding party from the South has plundered the points from their Northern cousins.

But don't let the scoreboard fool you, this was not a victory for golf. Never in the history of the Wyder has there been so many underhand tactics employed by a team, desperate to win. David Jordan a bastion of sporting etiquette is still bemused by the whole event. And for once in his long history of bemusement it's not drink related. The physical abuse handed out to him by the "New Money" thug from Renfrew was appalling. Not only before the match, but actually on the course, Newmacher have had to recall all their cards and stroke savers to rename the sixth "The hole of shame". Shocking.

Ian Tiffany Begbie ( also known as Crocodile Begbie) has suffered some outrageous defamations on his character, the ferocity of these resulted in him leaving the course early on the Sunday to avoid any more harassment. He cannot yet use a mobile for fear of being ridiculed by voicemail. But let us not bring up these incidents, modern sport it seems has lost the Corinthian Spirit all that counts now is silverware.

As for the weekend:

Knackered after a night of rampant buggery	The Jug... the less worst won...
The 2005 Wyder - 1st leg	What a lovely couple...
Benny wins the 8-ball...	Daffyd...
After claiming a bad back... Tif was later found wrestling crocodiles!!!	too close to the truth?

Them from down south were picked up bright and early on the Friday and driven further north than any of them had ever before experienced. There was talk of Vikings, but as the weekend was to prove, it was Bandits who were about. On arriving at the coast, the lead cars navigator, Daffyd (the only Gay in the Village), took us on a little detour round a neighboring village, obviously looking for MacDaffyd. The Quigley party sussed this early on and headed up the coast to the correct village, Cullen.

Once there the course was found, and what a gem it was. Short, but feisty, intriguing, frustrating (dude) but altogether an excellent venue. The hospitality of the locals also has to be mentioned. Once translated for the visiting party, that is.

After the golf it was back to the cars for another journey back to the Granite City, the digs were found easily enough, as was a local pub for food and a few drinks, then of into the city centre to check out the local talent. But the former good navigation of Quigley was soon undone (his directional sense was even worse at 4am, but that's a different story). After several phone calls and advice from the local Taxi drives the lads descended upon the trendy Belmont road, loads of bars, loads of drink but sadly not much to look at. So if you can't find it for free, pay for it. Strip club it is then. A good one was found and large amounts of cash was passed over. No names at this point, just in case somebody inadvertently gives out the details to the wrong party. Suffice to say I wasn't there OK..

After some perving and boozing back to the digs, toast, and then bed. All was going fine until after some 45mins of banging at the door, Taz and happy cheerie Bill went to investigate.

And what an unfortunate site befell them, Columbus Quigley standing in the close, in his best Calvin's looking lost, bemused and a bit relieved when he found out it was a couple of hetro guys that found him, god knows what would have happened had it been Daffyd or the groups other boy worrier who came across him drunk and virtually naked.

Sat morning:

Born again DJ and the golfer formerly known as the Rock arrived to join the lads. Quick breakfast and then of up the coast to Newburgh to find the course. No problems there. But once there we were confronted with a devious old lady trying to force the full price out of us. Not a chance.

The Begbie/Jordan double act soon got us on for 1/2 price. I'm sure she'll not be so quick to argue in the future. All T'd off, beautiful weather, beautiful course. Special mention has to go to Tiffany for playing under such obvious pain ( sore back ). The Anglo captain followed the previous precedent of altering handicaps in such an occasion, 10 shots gratefully accepted.

It was soon to go pear shaped for the Jocks, Their Captain was being given a lesson by Taz, Benny was struggling against their semi-pro Howison. DJ was up against the formerly mentioned Mexican, Dude ( he walks of in disgust on the Friday, 200 yds with a 7 iron on the Sat, very strange!) and not doing well. The only hope the Jocks had was that Tiff could battle through the pain barrier to see of Daffyd. He did…..

5-1 to the Anglos, devastating for the Honest men of the North.

Evening:

Back to the pub, more food and booze. Back into town, more booze, no lost wandering. We all knew exactly where we were going Nuff said.

Sunday morning:

The abuse begins……

Tiffs awakens to his mobile smoking due to overload. Upon listening to his messages he is shocked-distraught-hurt-confused, (just like the last day of the season really!) There are a torrent of abusive and accusatory messages waiting for him, but the decides that if he can play through physical torture, he can play through mental torture.

Then the prequel the "hole of shame", Howison showing all the traits of a "barra boy" not a high flying financial whiz kid, viscously assaults the aging and fragile DJ, straight for the injury, like a shark scenting blood, the squeals of pain (or was it pleasure) from DJ made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. SHOCKING.

Of to the course.

Again the intrepid Croc Hunter, I' mean Tiff got the lads on for 1/2 price, although as it turns out not all were able to take advantage of his dealings. All T off, Sunday pairings, DJ v Muzz for the Rossellie, Benny Vs Tazz for the 8 ball Happy Bill Vs Daffyd for the Captains Jug and the newest, yet oldest trophy the Stone played for by Dude Sanchez and Tiff Dundee.

The quality of play is not the best, after two holes disaster for the Jocks, Tiffany Crocodile Rock Dundee has had enough He cannot play on, the pain is to much. He valiantly tried, but alas it was to much for him. Benny has the unfortunate tast of playing against The Dude, he cannot overcome that ridiculous handicap. But he does gain a very valuable point and regain the 8-ball against Tazz, our TV personality friend.

In the other grouping a quiet and friendly start is soon shattered. Five holes of pleasant golf, some magician like shots from Bill, some monster hits form Daffyed, the usual quality form Howison, and some inane drivel from Three of the T Jordan. Then we reach the 6th, shameful, all I can say. Actual GBH on the golf course.

The look of shock on DJ's face was only matched by the look of sheer malevolent violence on Howison, "it's my f*cking trophy, and I'm keeping it you old c*nt" hissed from his lips as the frail old man fell to his knees in acute pain. Even Daffyed turned away in shame.

DJ carried on for a couple holes, but as soon as Tiff Dundee appeared he took his chance and ran to the car, back down the road and into The Polo for some comfort from his special friends.

After that the golf was immaterial, Daffyed beat Bill on the last, another titanic round of inept golf from both, Howison claimed his point and the Rosselie (booo). It's hard to go on, I can still picture the fear in the eyes of the crumpled old man.

Back to the club house, trophies handed over to the raiders, except the 8-ball well done Bazz.

Drop the lads of at the airport……

End of the weekend…..10-2 the Anglos….

Bring on Goodwood……………

Scary!

Mr Morton wants a good view of the Goodwood races...

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